Why aren't you a Trump supporter?

I have no sicko desire to control women or have a bizarro hangup with “blood”

I understand that you can’t inject bleach or light

I don’t believe that Saudi Arabia and Russia “will vedoop bedeep uhhhh”

What is the most offensive thing someone has ever asked you?

A real man doesn’t grab women by the p***y

I know who the president of Turkey really is

I actually pay taxes

My girlfriend lied and said she never gave oral until me. She was very skilled. I’m upset with her lying. Do I dump her?

I don’t believe in asking the people of Iowa “how stupid are the people of Iowa”

Those are a few reasons off the top of my head. How ’bout you?

I don’t believe Nazis, Klan klowns and white supremacists chanting “Jews will not replace us” comprise “very fine people”

As an atheist don't you really feel fear for committing sins which are not violating national laws?

I don’t respect a sleazeball who lies about his height just so he can lie about his weight

EVEN FUCKING MIKE PENCE understands that

I know what Nikki Haley’s authority with the National Guard is

Hey girls can we see some anal play?

I have a reading level above third grade

I respect other cultures and don’t respect those who don’t

I don’t hide in my hotel room while everybody else keeps the appointed time and place because my hair might get wet

What happens if someone fills up their car at the pump but leaves without paying? How is this situation typically handled?

Fuck that piece of orange shit, fuck his idiocracy, fuck his sexism, fuck his racism, fuck his religionism, fuck his divisionism, fuck his lying, fuck his orange face paint, fuck his worship of Cult of Ignorance, fuck his Cult, fuck his jingoistic horseshit, fuck his manuipulations, fuck his toddler-age WIMPism, fuck his fucked-up values of ME ME ME and did I mention ME, and fuck him personally with a giant razor sharp dildo that’s been preheated to 204.7° F and built to the dimensions of the Washington Monument. Slowly.

I can count

I don’t run and hide from a debate like a fucking WIMP just becuase some moderator asked pointed questions

Why do gun lovers think their right to own a weapon supercedes everyone else's right to be safe and not be shot?

I know the difference between “George Bush” and “Jeb Bush”

I don’t believe there is a fucking “president of the Virgin Islands”

I respect women and don’t respect those who don’t

I am 11 years old and I think I am going through puberty. Why do my nipples hurt when I touch them? Is it normal?

I understand how hurricane paths work

authoritarians can get down on the floor and bite my ass, yesterday

I know the difference between Sioux City and Sioux Falls and even Sioux Center

Why are there so many girls and not enough boys to follow?

I don’t buy made-up stories of “thousands and thousands of people dancing on rooftops”

I took the same Oath and took it seriously

When I go Greenland shopping and Denmark says no I don’t melt down like a fucking WIMP

Are MAGA the "useful idiots" for the radical-right billionaires like Charles Koch and Elon Musk?

I know that if I or anyone I know commits a crime we’ll go to the clink

I understand historical events enough to know there were no airports in the eighteenth century, that Canada didn’t burn the White House half a century before it existed and that World War Two already happened

I don’t watch or listen to advertising

What topics are okay with you in comics and what topics should be totally off the table?

I have complete contempt for traitorism

It’s uncool to set up soft porn pics with your own preteen daughter

I don’t call Tim Cook “Tim Apple” and if I do I don’t deny what’s right there on the videotape because I’m too much of a fucking WIMP to handle Reality

If a female has XX chromosomes and a male has XY chromosomes, what chromosomes do transgenders have?

If someone works for me, I actually pay them

I don’t respect shameless hucksters who try to sell a vitamin where you have to mail in your pee

I understand geography enough to know that Belgium is not a “beautiful city”, that Paris is not in fucking Germany, that India does share a border with China, that that border is peppered with Bhutan and Nepal, not “Button” and “Nipple”, that time zones exist, that “shithole countries” do not, that “England” and “the UK” are not the same thing, that you cannot build a wall in Colorado to keep out New Mexico, and that the Bronx is not and has never been “a very wonderful place in fucking Germany”

How can I watch porn on TikTok?

When a reporter declines to join me in the rooftops fantasy I don’t go on stage and gyrate to mock his congenital disability

It’s uncool to lurk around teenage girls’ dressing rooms

I know that he didn’t run against “Obamna”

Relocating to Sweden to save money. I got a job offer of 47000SEK before tax, visas sponsored for my wife & my mother (with a laryngectomy). My wife, a general medicine graduate, wants to specialize in Sweden. Can we live well and save 4000€ monthly?

I know the difference between “give me your tired, your poor” and “they’re poisoning our blood”

I can read

I understand that you can’t just fucking nuke a hurricane

I know that sounds DO NOT cause cancer.

I see through liars

I have complete contempt for intentional stupidity

I didn’t get out of military service with fucking “bone spurs” that I paid a doctor to write

I have an acute aversion to scumbags

I have complete contempt for fakery

I don’t buy bullshit

I don’t hold serial bankrupters in high regard

I don’t cotton to rapists

I have complete contempt for fraudsters, and even less for repeat ones

I don’t pretend not to know who David Dooky is just because he can deliver votes

I understand that when you lose an election you step the fuck aside and take it like a man rather than invade the Capitol while your loss is being made official just because you’re a fucking snowflake WIMP

I’ve never tried to pretend the word would means wouldn’t

I don’t believe the way to respond to a hurricane is to call a press conference to describe it as “wet from the standpoint of water”, to distribute Play Doh, or to stand at a podium throwing rolls of paper towels as if they were bottles of ketchup

I know there’s no such thing as invisible planes

Let us count the ways. Captain Obvious says: